No Title Necessary
Writing about the IMLBB weekend experience is something I’ve obviously been thinking about, even before the weekend began. How would I summarize this? Would it be a play-by-play of what went down, or simply a quick summary of how I’m feeling? To be completely honest, I’m not sure I want to write about it. I want to hold it in my heart and keep it private, to look back on and think of fondly. Writing it down makes what happened feel like I lived it and now it’s over, and I don’t want to feel like it’s over.
During the orientation, the current International Ms. Leather (IMsL) Akasha recommended journaling throughout the weekend. I made it a goal to write down my thoughts, feelings, and things that just occurred every time I stepped foot in my hotel room. During those moments of recharge, I relived experiences so that when all is said and done, I have a beautiful time capsule of the weekend in real time. Looking back, those words are probably more meaningful than anything I could write here. They are raw and heartfelt, honest and unfiltered. Here, I’ll take my time, be a little more methodical with my language, and ultimately hope that, at the end of the day, I have something you, dear reader, won’t consider a waste of your time.
Back at Mid Atlantic Leather (MAL), a contestant from the prior IML class gave me, and the current class, a piece of advice that I tucked away: “Find the win that isn’t placement-based.” It was the kind of suggestion I took to heart immediately, even though I had no idea what that win would look like, or when it would show up. I simply knew I would recognize it when it arrived.
When that moment finally hit during IMLBB, I retreated to my hotel room and scribbled it down in my journal. It was a private, sacred win, a moment of pure internal validation that I want to keep just for me. But as I’ve sat with the experience, I’ve realized there is another layer to this. There is a public-facing win here, too; one that I can share. Everyone will have their own thoughts on the weekend: the results, how they felt going through it, or how a contestant “should” have navigated it. Looking back at the entries I wrote in real time, I’m glad I took a moment to remember how I was feeling in those quiet moments alone.
As my previous post talked about, I felt ready for Chicago and this IMLBB experience. I was confident in who I am and what was in my application. I loved my looks, my binder was filled with all the necessary details so that I wouldn’t have to think about too much in the moment, and I could go through my checklist and simply be present. I attempted to make this a stress-free weekend and, looking back, I know I succeeded in that goal.
“How are you feeling?” was a question I was asked constantly, and was something I continuously asked others. Every time I turned around, someone asked that question: other contestants, the handler team, Team Shine (the amazing bootblacks who helped us all look our best throughout the weekend), and my friends. Every time I was asked, my answer was, “I am happy.” Once, while cruising the Vendor Mart, I said, “I’m beyond happy.”
“What does that mean? What’s ‘beyond happy’?” I was questioned. I took a moment and thought, I feel blissful. And at that moment, I meant it. I still feel blissful looking back, so I don’t know if it is the post-event crash or the return to reality, but the feelings of self-doubt have also slowly started to return. This might be why I wanted to wait to write about the weekend; as I write, all the feelings, good and bad, rise to the surface, and I don’t want to tarnish my memory of the weekend.
I’m walking away from this weekend with my head held high and my heart full. I now have a beautiful and very attractive new family. Couches and guest bedrooms I can crash on throughout the world. And memories of an experience that is truly once in a lifetime. Years ago, I often wondered where or how I would find a community that would accept me as I am. It’s hard to make friends as an adult, to sustain those lasting relationships you seem to find so much easier as kids during recess. I’ve been able to find that by seeking out community: through CMEN and now through this leather community. Both spaces have welcomed me even though I often thought at the beginning that I didn’t belong, or wasn’t worthy of taking up space.
One thing I am taking from this IMLBB experience, and it can’t be said enough, is the joy. From start to finish, this was a joyful experience. I know it’s a rollercoaster of emotions, but at the end of the day, I just went through a leather version of Miss Universe and lost to Honey Davenport, who has, over the last two years, become such a wonderful presence in my life. This experience of celebrating our authentic selves is absolutely a joyful one. The smiles, the hugs, the laughter, the tears, the makeout sessions, and private moments behind closed doors will be remembered forever and live in my heart. I’ll cherish the bonds that were forged, remembering looking at members of the class months ago and thinking, “My god, that’s a beautiful man,” and then cut to us making out passionately while “Out Tonight” from Rent blasted during Geartunes at Sidetracks1.
In my life, there are very few moments I can think of that have brought me this much joy, but the ones that come to mind all have the same running through-line: being onstage, in the spotlight, sharing myself with an audience. It happens every time I perform in a Mortified show. It’s a constant anytime I’ve been on set, especially through my time creating Misguided. It’s how I know I was born to perform. Cheesy, I know, but ultimately, very truthful.
What’s fascinating is to take a moment to look at these three very different performing experiences that all highlight a different version of me. Mortified focuses on my past, sharing stories of a closeted teenager who longed to be accepted by the soap opera world… and gay men. In Misguided, I’m crafting a story, hoping for a better future in this alternate reality, hoping to be accepted by the soap opera world… and gay men. Now, on stage at IMLBB, I am present and telling my story in real time, showcasing this version and feeling accepted exactly as I am. That’s the power of the weekend. That’s the experience I was hoping to have, and ultimately, that is the win I needed.
This was, in fact, just another stage show I got to be a part of. I didn’t become a different version of myself for the contest; I wasn’t playing a character. I was highlighting this leather, kinky, fun version that doesn’t often get to be showcased. I was shining a light on a new and exciting part of my life. In the end, I know I found my win that wasn’t placement-based. I had lots of wins throughout the weekend, and I know I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I know I’m ready to take everything I learned about myself and use it for good moving forward. In the coming weeks, I’ll dive into the different looks, their significance, and how I felt in those moments, but for now, this seems like the right time to sign off.
It’s Musical Mondays at Sidetracks in Chicago, but with the leather community showing up to belt out show tunes in gear. Perfect coming together of all of my favorite things.
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