Mood:
amorousNow Playing: Dolly Parton - Travelin' Thru
Topic: special events
Before every entrée there are appetizers that are ordered to hold the diner over before the main dish arrives. Well, before I get to the meat and potatoes of this entry, I want to first preface it by saying it will probably be more on the side of emotionally written, so I will do my best to pause every so often and proof read a little more meticulously so that it reads clearly... I tend to babble and not make much sense especially when I'm speaking directly from the heart as you will soon find out... The previous mobile entry discussed how I was about to embark on my 20-mile journey throughout New York City for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I knew before even checking in, it was going to be an emotional journey as I started to well up with tears getting off the subway and pausing to reflect on all the reasons why I was walking. Earlier this year I was considering whether or not to run the New York City marathon again. I personally achieved everything I wanted to get out of that day and I felt that doing it again could possibly ruin my wonderful first memory of the marathon. So, as I rode the subway I was trying to think of how I could do something similar, though this time, have it affect the greater good. I got off the subway and right there in front of me was an advertisement on the platform for The Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk. My answer for my next challenge was staring me right in the face.
What seems like several years ago now, my uncle, who was living in France committed suicide. The distance that separated us made it hard to have a close relationship, but nevertheless, the loss of any family member affects so many people left behind in numerous ways and there are always the questions, "What would life be like if Uncle Chris told someone and sought help?" Part of the check in procedure was to collect your beads. The bead necklaces came in a variety of colors and each color signified something significant to each individual. I collected three necklaces at check in. First, I wore a blue one representing the fact that I support the cause! For the loss of a relative, due to suicide (other than a parent or child which each respectfully had their own color) I picked up the purple necklace. Lastly, I asked for a green necklace which was the hardest and most difficult one for myself to take hold of and own. The green beads signified that I, myself, have dealt with depression, had thoughts of suicide or attempted suicide. I realized as soon as I put on all three of the beaded necklaces this walk was going to change my life.
The Opening ceremonies, which took place at the South Street Seaport, was the beginning of an emotional journey. We reflected on why we were walking, why we supported this cause and how we are about to make a difference. Looking back at the entire 20 miles, it truly was split into two different experiences for myself. The first half I reflected and walked from within whereas the second half I walked with a new perspective and feel I was able to help those that needed to be helped in various ways. To begin my journey though I needed to hold tight on to the three necklaces I had taken and reflect on each one as I walked. I had no idea where I was going to be walking, just to follow the signs and they will guide me. As I walked my beautiful city, I felt like the course was personally designed to speak directly to me. One of the first sights we walked past was Ground Zero. For obvious reasons this has so many memories, but as a senior in high school, back in September of 2001, the actions of that day shaped where I would be later living in NYC. Fast forward a year & one day after, I was moving into the dorms on Murray Street in Lower Manhattan, a block and half from Ground Zero and coincidentally the next spot we passed on our walk.
I chose to wear a green necklace because for me, Freshman year of college was rough. Not many people realize how many times I looked out my window over looking the Hudson and thought how easy it would be to just end everything quickly. With tears in my eyes as I passed the dormitory on Murray Street, I relived every difficult moment I had there. I knew this was not going to be an easy walk, especially if I was going to be walking without any sort of comfort buddy. Not even a few blocks after passing the dorms, my silent prayer for a walking buddy was answered. I heard someone yell my name through the crowd and saw it was coming from my friend Michelle. Through the thousands of people walking, she found me! My prayer was not answered with one buddy, but an entire support system, should I need it. Michelle was walking with her boyfriend, her brother and her brother's friend and all of them quickly accepted me into their group. Their presence made the next couple of miles emotionally easier.
In a very 'Ghost of Christmas Future' kind of way, I began to see several different personal landmarks that I only associate with happy memories. I can't walk passed these places on a normal day without thinking of what makes them so special to me, but am usually in such a hurry to get from point A to point B I miss that time to reflect... During my journey, all I had was time to be with my thoughts on what made these places so special and how much I would have missed out on, had I chosen to go through with suicide. Walking toward Columbus Circle, we passed Hooters on our right, an unusual spot to have an emotional wave hit, but all I could think of was how I spent my 20th birthday there with close friends from school, work and my family! I remember telling my family as we walked to the subway that night, it was probably my best birthday ever! Not far from Hooters is Columbus Circle where a more recent memory flashed before me... I have some amazing friends who have come to visit me and most recently my friend Lizzie and I walked through Columbus Circle simply walking and chatting the night away. I started to see how after five years in the city, there was already so much I would have missed and how much my memories were always associated with other people who would have missed out on those precious times as well.
There were two difficult parts to this walk. The end of the walk was difficult physically because everything was hurting, which after walking 20 miles and being up for umpteen hours probably did not help. The second, was the most difficult emotional part of the walk overall, which was trekking up Central Park West. I knew at the end of the walk I would probably be in some sort of pain, so I expected that part to be difficult, but I had no clue this part of the walk would be hard emotionally. Everything from passing the Trump Hotel where I recently met Ellen Pompeo, seeing Tavern on the Green where I completed the NYC marathon only a year prior, and crossing West 66th Street which houses One Life to Live, where my dreams of being an actor started to become a part of my reality. West 66 street also is home to The View where my freshman year of college Laura and I spent all of our free days... that street was difficult to cross, but not as hard as West 72nd, former home to Laura. At this point I had dropped back a few yards from Michelle and everyone so that I could take some quiet personal time to reflect on what each of these places meant to me and how much a part of my life would never had happened and I doubt she knows this but it contributed to why Laura's street was so hard to pass... Laura unknowingly saved me.
For several reasons, the stress I had during school seemed to be piling up and no one was around or understood. After sitting on my window sill for several hours, with tears streaming down my face, I knew there had to be something else I could do to get my mind off things, change my life for the better, but I knew for certain, I didn't want to discuss my problems especially what I had just been considering, I wanted someone to tell me everything would be ok, to encourage me, without a single cliché... The only person I could find that day was Laura, who had taken her scrapbook supplies and camped out outside her room. That day she changed my life, saved my life! Passing 72nd street made me miss her here in New York, but I know she's not out of my life and it made it easier to continue. That was the last wave of emotion I felt.
I wasn't focused too much on time or my pace as this wasn't about racing to get the best time. What I wanted was to experience something amazing and already as I reached the "midnight meal" at mile 10 I knew there was never going to be an experience I could compare. With the more emotional part of the race over, I was on to the next ten miles where I met up with two very special individuals. Feeling a bit tired, really questioning why this was an 'overnight' walk, and cursing that I didn't sleep in longer, I needed another walking buddy, as I left Michelle and her group to say, "Hi" to some friends at Prohibition that were working. Again, these two individuals were answered prayers and I may have very well been an answer to their prayers as well. The next ten miles was all about ignoring the pain by any means necessary! We played games, cheered on our cheerleaders, did trivia and sang songs... which was the entire reason I picked up my pace to catch up with these two girls... they were harmonizing and I'm a sucker for a sweet song!
Every step I took during this overnight adventure, was a time to reflect on every moment I was able to celebrate my own life with family and friends in New York. Not only did I fall in love with the city all over again, but I fell in love with life, this precious gift I have been given. At the closing ceremony we were able to write on our paper bags a special message, I chose to write mine to the entire city of New York... for reminding me why I continue to go on... Next year the walk is taking place in Seattle and again in NYC and I encourage you, if you are able to go out and walk... to do so, because this experience is nothing like anything you've gone through before!
If you would still like to donate, I am currently still accepting donations via my personal donating page. CLICK HERE to contribute. Lastly, if you or someone you know is in crisis, please call: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
